The Jets’ 2008 Opponents and Why We Can Beat Them All
You were all warned. I wasn’t kidding; you thought it was a joke?! Those of us that can drink water and spit out Jet Fuel can feel it. This is the point where our New York Jets turn that corner. We are rapidly approaching a season where our team will know how to finish games. Our record may have been 4-12 last year, but outside of the very first New England game and the Thanksgiving Day Massacre in Dallas, every single game was within reach. Just as painfully as we went 4-12, we could have easily gone 14-2. Snicker if you must. Suck your teeth and assume I’m intoxicated if it’ll make you feel better. But the fact remains that if the chips would have fallen just a little bit differently in at least ten games last season, if a tackle would have been made, or if a receiver hauled in that catch, we wouldn’t be working tirelessly to defend our New York Jets for this upcoming season. Now that our team has improved its personnel, I know in my heart that Mangini and Co. will work tirelessly to guarantee that this team will finish everything they start.
Defense will be the key to our success this year. Our offense usually did enough last season to win games, until Pennington’s pass to the flats got jumped and intercepted in the final minutes. Defensively, the team faltered when it mattered, but those issues have been remedied. I fully expect our New York Jets to suffocate the opposition. I also expect to hear aggravated opponents wondering how Kerry Rhodes jumped that high and how David Harris got there so fast.
THE AFC EAST
You know, I read a post on our (excellent) message boards a few weeks back where one of our members mentioned an ESPN radio segment where some genius said that Miami will match their win total in Week One against the New York Jets. Really? The talent on Miami’s current roster doesn’t compare to the team they had the last time they beat the Jets… IN 2003! Naysayers can grunt and growl all they like. If our QB situation is unsettled, what do they have in Miami? Is John Beck going to light us up? Our offense is too strong for their defense, and their offense doesn’t have enough depth to really present a threat to our New York Jets. Ronnie Brown is a good player and their offensive line looks strong, but our defensive line is stronger and David Harris doesn’t like watching people run. Goodbye. That’s +2 for our win column this season.
They’re dominant, they know how to win games, Tom Brady still has Moss, blah blah blah. I really hate how over the last few seasons some fans are even afraid to talk trash about the Patriots. Fans see them on the schedule and cower! F**k New England! I’m not going to be bitter and say Spygate was a factor. But I will say that no team is unbeatable. The Giants may have shown what a good pass rush could do while the entire world watched, but the Jets set the tone last December when we held Tom Brady to a game with 0 touchdowns. Moss and Welker are good WRs, but not gods. The much improved pass rush will be enough to beat New England. It’s always a fun game to watch, because both coaches have been playing a chess match over the last couple seasons. Jet Green to End Zone. Checkmate. We’re now 4-0.
Someone should’ve sent the memo to Marshawn Lynch that hitting and running is only cool on the football field. It’s a shame, because I actually uh… *ahem* kinda like the guy as a player. *ahem*. Drinking and driving should have a no tolerance policy in life, so I’d hope for a stiff punishment from the NFL. Regardless, the Buffalo Bills are the only other team in this conference that I think is even close to our Jets. They’re young and fairly talented. Unfortunately for them, we’re more talented. We won’t allow Trent Edwards to look like John Elway against us this season. If Kevin O’Dea can slip into Westhoff’s shoes and shut down that little speed demon Roscoe Parrish on special teams, then Buffalo really has no chance of scoring against us. And like that, we’re 6-0 in the AFC East.
THE AFC WEST
They’ve got a high powered offense and a Shawne Merriman led defense. They are certainly a good team. But the strength of their hearts is now in question. When the face of the franchise suits up only to sit on the sidelines and watch through his dark visor as his team loses in the playoffs makes everyone wonder what they’re really made of in San Diego. Whatever it is that’s going on over there doesn’t feel like an issue that they’ve gotten over. San Diego is similar to us in the sense that they’ll have a really good season, and then respond with a pretty bad one. They’re about due for a pretty bad one right now. Also, Norv Turner. LOL. Seven and oh!
SUCKERS! Thanks for taking Dewayne Robertson. I have on good word from an anonymous source that we would’ve given him to you for a Jay Cutler autograph on a game-worn sock. Denver’s front office may feel like they pulled a fast one on us with that conditional pick that’s contingent upon Robertson’s playing time, but they’d be wrong. As far as the Broncos go, I really wish I could give a thorough analysis on how the Jets are going to beat them — but I don’t think Denver even knows what they’ve got over there. That brings our 2008 total to eight victories.
So they drafted Run DMC, and they’re hoping that Jamarcus Russell aka Daunte Culpepper v2.0 has improved his throwing mechanics. But whatever, they’re Oakland and their moves in recent years stink more of desperation than a team trying to build for the future. If there team somehow manages to gel on the field and be productive this season, they’ll shock the world. It’s funny to me, because the Jets got criticized for throwing a large sum of money at Calvin Pace, but I haven’t heard much criticism about DeAngelo Hall’s $70M contract. Maybe their new team is enough to make a dent in their conference. They’re still sucking themselves into their own black hole. Nine wins in 2008.
The Miami Dolphins of the AFC West. It’s not really so much about their lack of talent, but more about the coach that doesn’t know how to utilize it. Jets’ fans were criticized for being bitter when Edwards left for Kansas City. How does everyone feel about it now? Three years in and he turned a good team into bottom feeders. You can argue that he inherited an old team, but Vermin Edwards is the King of Excuses. He’s also very good at misplacing blame. Larry Johnson is being ran into the ground. They have no QB, and outside of Tamba Hali there’s no one truly scary on their defense. It’ll be fun to watch Edwards looking confused on the sidelines again. Ten wins.
THE NFC WEST
As Jets’ fans I think we should all write letters of appreciation to the NFL for sneaking another pre-season into our 2008 schedule. Thanks! Each team has their bright spots. The Cardinals have that excellent WR tandem. But they’ve had them for years and still manage to be perennial losers. The Rams are set to do good things with Chris Long and Adam Carriker on defense and Marc Bulger and Stephen Jackson on offense, but they are far removed from the greatest show on turf. The Seahawks have no BANG! anywhere on their team. They might be the only team with a chance to beat us this year by boring us to death. Note to the Jets: Switch out the Gatorade for Red Bull when you hit Seattle. And the 49ers. Whatever. That team’s not even fun to write about. Nobody likes the NFC West. Four more games and our Jets now have fourteen wins in 2008.
THE LEFTOVERS
So Chad Johnson knows he’s on a sinking ship. If there’s ever been a more talented team that just can’t get it together, please tell me. How many weapons does Cincinnati need to stop failing? I think they should just call it a day in Cincinnati, change the team’s name to The Mean Machine, tell Carson Palmer to change his name to Paul Crewe, hire Adam Sandler and Burt Reynolds as consultants and totally start fresh. Embrace the reputation, you criminals. And while we’re on movie metaphors, I think I’d rather have Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass playing the QB than Vince Young. Those silly little Oilers. Justin McCareins is your new number one Wide Receiver. If that’s not enough to guarantee victory then I don’t know what is.
Sixteen victories, zero losses. New England proved it’s not impossible. We’ve been blessed with a very favorable schedule, but that’s secondary to the immensely talented team and intelligent coaching staff that we currently have. Promised Land, here we come. Our team is built to win now, then, and later, too. Let’s usher in the new era with open arms and aggressive applause!
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Perhaps you should take the 70 to 1 odds to win the SB as well.
Brilliant piece of satire, I’d consider working for SSNN if I were you.